I was listening to Dr. Phil the other night on Larry King Live and something he said really upset me. I normally agree with him, but I have to beg to differ with him on one issue. He said that all kids have a “currency” and you have to find it and use it.

I do agree that kids do have a currency, whether it is staying up late, or chocolate, or the keys to the car. And you can make deals with them using that currency. I want to add an important caveat that Phil missed.  Whatever you do, don’t abuse it.

The Quick Fix

As soon as Dr. Phil said that, I thought of my father, the king of finding your currency, or what you want as a kid, and using it against you. I remember I wanted to go on a band trip to Pennsylvania when I was thirteen. For a month it was, “If you want to go on that trip you better clean your room…or eat your dinner…or call home…or come home early.” Or anything else he could think of, he’d use that trip against me.

Other times it was anything--ice skating lessons, movies, staying over a friend’s house or using the car. One time when I was older, he bought a new car, and gave me his old one. I was extremely excited and grateful. He told me, “This is your car honey. It belongs to you. Enjoy it.” From that point on, the minute I argued with him about anything or did something he didn't like, I heard, “If you want to keep that car you better…fill in the blank.”

After a few rounds of this I handed him back the keys and said I wasn’t taking the bait from him anymore. I didn’t want his car. I told him to take it back and I wanted no part of it. Over the weeks he tried to give it back and apologize, but I wouldn’t take it. I wanted to, but I knew there were strings attached. I never allowed myself to feel like it was my car again until I was well into college. I would only refer to it as my father’s car. And from that point on I never allowed myself to seem excited over a gift he gave me, or to get too attached to it.

Yes my dad was able to control my behavior using the currency of what I held dear. But I wasn’t stupid, besides the car situation I also quickly learned to stop telling him about what interested me. He couldn’t tell if I was happy or apathetic. I never told him what plays I wanted to try out for. I stopped telling him who my friends were, and I kept my emotions guarded. He taught me that anything I said can, and would be used against me.

A Hard Habit to Break

The worst part is that it became a hard habit for him to break. When I was planning my wedding I made the mistake of telling him how happy I was that he’d be walking me down the aisle. I thought we were past all that but, lo and behold, the first fight we had, he used it and said I should go find someone else to walk me down the aisle because he wasn’t going. But this time I didn’t budge. I told him I would be happy to replace him. He was shocked and in the end, he did walk me down the aisle. But I made no show of emotion about it again.

I laugh at parents that abuse this tool and then complain, “my kid never talks to me. I have no idea what is going on in her life.” They forget to mention, or don’t see the connection, of what happens when their kids do confide in them.

I think it’s lazy parenting, and control is not the only factor in being a parent. I don’t remember my mother ever doing that to me. She still managed to keep me in line and now we have a great relationship. So I don’t think it’s really necessary to do to kids.

The Results

I do love my father and I don’t think he realized the damage he was doing. He was a good father and he was there for us in many other ways. I don’t really like the idea of trashing him publicly or making him seem like a jerk. But I wanted to share this because it does happen, and the fact that Dr. Phil, who has so much influence, did not talk about this aspect of his "currency" tip, really upset me. Many young parents looking for good parenting advice are going to try this, and see how quickly it works. They may not realize until it’s too late, what it can do to your relationship when you abuse it.

So yes, you can manipulate the behavior of children by controlling access to what they desire, or their “currency,” as he likes to call it. Just make sure you do it sparingly and for the right reasons.  And offset it with a lot of love and explanation. Decide in advance what things are off limits and stick to that, no matter how tempting.

Remember, it’s not always about the short term solutions. If you don’t keep on top of it, you may win the battle but lose the war.